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Surgeon General Resigns and Replaced by Nurse

 

Washington, D.C. – In what has been described as “not a joke”, The Trump administration last Friday asked for the resignation of Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. He was immediately replaced by Rear Admiral Sylvia Trent-Adams, who was upgraded from nurse to charge nurse. Despite her position as “Rear Admiral”, Trent-Adams has no formal training in Gastroenterology or Colorectal Surgery.

Upon taking over the responsibility for the health and well being of America, Charge Nurse Trent-Adams immediately fell back on her nursing experience and started turning America in its bed q 2 hours, as it had become morbidly obese and unable to turn on its own volition. Florida’s Foley was replaced, to prevent a catheter associated UTI. She then applied copious amounts of nystatin powder to treat fungal infections in New Jersey (America’s armpit) and underneath Mississippi (America’s pannus). While changing a dressing on a stage 4 decubitus ulcer which had developed over the gluteal cleft that is the state of Alabama, she also fielded phone calls from family members England and South Korea demanding updates on “What the Hell is going on over there in America??” Finally, just before the end of her 12 hour shift, she remembered to place a “Fall Risk” bracelet on Colorado’s wrist.

No explanation was given for the resignation of Dr. Murthy, who had brought attention to the opioid crisis and physician burnout. Code Brown reports that even though he was no longer on call as Surgeon General, he still received a 911 text page at 2AM from Charge Nurse Trent-Adams: “Patient in 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. is rambling incoherently and unable to tell the difference between reality and fiction. Can I please get an order for some Haldol? Please advise.”

Permanent replacements for the Surgeon General have been reported to include Dr. Mehmet Oz, Dr. Harold Bornstein, and Dr. Cliff Huxtable. Dr. Murthy reportedly plans to write articles regularly for Code Brown under a pseudonym.

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Trump’s personal physician
huxtable
Fellow Pussygrabber
oz
Quack
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GI Deploys Largest Non Nuclear Suppository Ever

New Orleans, LA – A local gastroenterologist dropped his hospital’s most powerful non-nuclear suppository on an ISHITS (also sometimes referred to as ISHART) target in the medicine ward Thursday, the first time this type of suppository has been used on the wards or ICU, according to hospital officials.

A BM-4U Massive Odorous Air Blast Bomb (MOAB), nicknamed the “mother of all brown bombs,” was dropped at 7:30 p.m. local time, according to four hospital officials with direct knowledge of the mission. A MOAB is a 3 foot-long, 2000 gram, GPS (Gluteal Positioning System) -guided suppository. Even Hospital CEO Donald Dump called it “another successful disimpaction job” later Thursday.


225px-MOABAFAM        What to know about the MOAB

  •   Nicknamed the “mother of all brown bombs”
  • Kept in Super Duper Specialty Pharmacy
  • Concocted from proprietaty mixture of Dulcolax, Miralax, Senna, Cascara, Colon Blow, Amitiza, Linzess, Essential Lavender Oils, a hint of Vosyn, and some Prune Juice

The suppository was dropped by a PGY-4 GI Fellow, stationed in the hospital and overseen by the Chairman of the Gastroenterology Department, James “Mad Dog” Flatus, a hospital spokesman told Gomerblog.

Officials said the target was an ISHITS rectum and sigmoid colon in the Uranus district of patient I.M. Nagannapoop, a remote area in the patient’s southern most orifice which borders his scrotum.

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Map of target with positive “red arrow” sign suggesting clinical correlation

“The Hospital takes the fight against ISHITS very seriously and in order to defeat the impaction we must deny them rectal space, which we did,” Hospital Spokesman Sean Sphincter said later Thursday. The strike “targeted a system of large intestine that feces used to move around freely before massive opioid abuse infiltrated the area.”

After the MOAB was deployed, an enormous mushroom cloud was seen emanating from the medicine wards. Staff from such remote departments as Radiation Oncology and Pathology were reportedly seen crawling out from their offices to see what all the commotion was about.

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Target status post MOAB suppository deployment

Initial assessments claim no collateral damage to surrounding patients. Approximately 36 pieces of stool were reportedly disimpacted in the blast. Stay with Code Brown as we continue to get to the bottom of this story.

United Airlines to Unroll New “Economy Discomfort” Class for Physicians

United-Airlines

 

Chicago, IL – After beating and dragging a physician (who was trying to fly home in time for an overbooked clinic) off an overbooked flight , United Airlines has now unveiled its new “Economy Discomfort” seating on flights.  “Economy Discomfort physician class – It’s just like business class, but with a bloody lip instead of a bloody mary.”

United Airlines CEO and professional douchebag Oscar Munoz, who earlier in the day apologized that the traveler had to be “re-accommodated”  later announced, “We have a long history of upgrading active duty military to first class seats whenever possible. Now, we would like to extend our appreciation to our nation’s health care providers. For an extra $15, they can get bludgeoned in the face with their choice of armrest or seatbelt buckle. In the event we have essential flight crew that need to hitch a ride, we will offer to jettison the physician off the plane mid flight in a patched up rubber life raft, a la Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, in the general direction of their hospital or clinic. Also instead of complimentary headphones, we are offering a pager that goes off every 10 minutes with a very annoying ringtone to remind them of the hospital they are trying to rush back to.”

One area hospital administrator provided this statement to Code Brown: “For years, we have been trying to cajole our physicians to do what is necessary to help cut costs and increase profits. Now we’d like to thank United Airlines for showing us the proper way to do it. All this time we could have just been beating them to within an inch of consciousness!”

Local physician, Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram had this reaction: “Whenever I fly, I’m always expected to selflessly answer the “Is there a doctor on board?” call when someone needs medical attention. From now on, y’all United Airlines jackboot mothafu%*&rs are on your own!”

Trump to Make Hospital Gloves

trump gloves

New York City, New York – In an effort to reach out to healthcare workers for votes in order to to help prop up sagging poll numbers, the Trump Presidential campaign announced Tuesday that it would be manufacturing a special line of Trump medical gloves to be used in hospitals and clinics across the country. A few highlights of the glove were listed on the campaign website:

  • The gloves only come in small and extra small to fit “Trump sized hands”.
  • A special Trump sterile glove will be made for surgeons who feel that they alone can fix what’s wrong with your patient and make them great again.
  • The Trump gloves were manufactured in China without any hint of irony.
  • Made in latex free, powder free, and empathy free.
  • The limited edition Trump medical gloves come with a double and triple backup guarantee: If your Trump gloves wear out prematurely, they will be immediately replaced with a special edition “Marla Trump” glove. If that pair gets soiled, if you just get bored of it, or if you feel like double gloving, a “Melania Trump” glove will be shipped overnight from a factory in Slovenia, no questions asked.

The FDA immediately issued a black box warning after many patients reported a severe Stevens-Johnson like reaction after coming in contact with Trump gloves:

“ Trump gloves are not recommended for use with Mexicans, Muslims, women who are menstruating, breastfeeding, or planning on using the bathroom, women with babies, crying babies, veterans, parents of Muslim veterans, prisoners of war, journalists, did we leave anyone out? I’m sure this will get updated by the end of the week.”

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Bend over, America. This will only hurt until November.

Legendary rock band Spinal Tap even weighed in on the controversial Trump gloves, releasing a statement: “We cannot recommend smelling this glove. If there was a knob for racism, Trump would go to 11.”

Trump fired off a series of tweets to mark the release of the gloves: “Medical gloves under Obama have been a disaster. They have tiny holes in them which don’t keep out blood, bacteria, or Mexicans. If you are trying to intimidate a patient with that snapping noise as you put them on, they tear when you pull on the wristband too hard. Now, I don’t go to the doctor very often because I am in amazing health. Like, the best health in modern history. My personal physician even said so. What was I tweeting about? Oh yeah. Make rectal exams great again. Wear Trump gloves.”

* Update – The “Melania Trump” glove has been discontinued after it was discovered that the gloves were recycled from previously used gloves dating back to 2008.

Astra Zeneca Unveils Nexium Themed Prince Tribute

Purple pill

 

London, England – In a bold marketing move, Astra Zeneca, makers of “The Purple Pill” Nexium, have rolled out an ad campaign/tribute to “The Purple One” – Prince. Director of Marketing, Art Burns, told Code Brown, “We know that 2016 has been a tough year for music lovers. Well, it has been an even tougher year for pharmaceutical companies that make proton pump inhibitors (PPI’s). As a result of studies linking PPI’s to kidney damage and dementia, people are beginning to question the wisdom of taking our medicine every single day for the rest of their lives. Do you know what that means for our executives’ multi-million dollar year end bonuses? It’s not good! It’s so bad, Prilosec OTC had to let Larry the Cable Guy go. He doesn’t just look homeless now, he actually is homeless. We needed a bold campaign to recoup our market share, and what better way than to capitalize on the passing of a global musical icon?”

The two pronged ad campaign will kick off with a social media meme blitz across Facebook and Instagram that Prince would have surely shut down had he still been alive:

prince meme

The second phase of the campaign will feature the new Nexium theme song: “Purple Pill”. Burns explained, “The reason we charge ridiculously high prices for a pill that costs pennies in the rest of the world is pretty simple: We need a massive marketing budget to allow us to buy the rights to “Purple Rain”, hire Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, and Dr. Luke (who it turns out is not actually a doctor) to rewrite the lyrics, and then use the song in a 30 second commercial to subconsciously convince your doctor to write for Nexium. Check it out!”

I never meant to cause you any reflux
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted one time to see you eating
I only wanted to see you
Taking the purple pill

Purple pill, purple pill
Purple pill, purple pill
Purple pill, purple pill
I only wanted to see you
Taking the purple pill

I never wanted to be your H2 blocker
I only wanted to be some kind of chronic med
Baby, I could never cause dementia or kidney disease
It’s such a shame our prescription had to end
Purple pill, purple pill
Purple pill, purple pill
Purple pill, purple pill
I only wanted to see you
Taking the purple pill

Honey, I know, I know
I know PPI’s are changing
It’s time we all reach out
For something new, that means you can take two

You say you got a GI bleed
But you can’t seem to keep up your BP
I think you better scope it
And let me guide you to the purple pill

Purple pill, purple pill
Purple pill, purple pill
If you know what I’m singing about up here
C’mon, open your hand
Purple pill, purple pill
I only want to see you
Only want to see you
Taking the purple pill

So far, the ad campaign has been described by media critics as “shameless, money grubbing, and totally inappropriate. Basically, a perfect direct to consumer pharmaceutical ad”. Not to be outdone, the makers of Percocet are hard at work crafting an apology ad for probably killing Prince.

Hero Surgeon Miraculously Cures “Terminal Hiatal Hernia”

An alternative take on this gem:

Crystal Christmas was suffering terribly from a hiatal hernia (also referred to as a high hernia, but not to be confused with a double hernia) brought on by dangerously high levels of BMI found in her body. Hundreds of attacks each day had left her stomach bruised and battered. Her case was so severe that she even had hematuria, which has only been reported in terminal cases of hiatal hernia.

Most doctors would have referred her to hospice, but the surgeons at Harris County Health System in Houston, Texas bravely took on the case. The lead surgeon on the  case told Code Brown, “There are no case reports in the literature of anyone surviving terminal hiatal hernia. It just doesn’t happen. Especially when it progresses to hematuria. That’s when you know you’ve crossed the point of no return. But hey; this is why I became a doctor at an indigent care hospital in the first place.”

While her surgical team worked day and night for 2 months to come up with a miracle cure, Crystal Christmas continued to fight the unbearable pain. She avoided the advice of friends and other medical experts to “just take a Nexium” because she had read on the internet that Nexium causes dementia, which on top of the bruised stomach and hematuria would certainly have rung her death knell. The fateful day finally came and Mrs. Christmas had a feeling that medical history was about to be made, so she decided to record the proceedings with a device hidden in her weave.

The rest, as they say, is medical history. Doctors on the Nobel Committee are still reviewing the case, which was written up in the New England Journal of Medicine, but it may face stiff competition from a case report of a very itchy hemorrhoid that was cured by a top secret compound referred to as “Preparation H”.

 

 

DSM Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder Now Just a Picture of Donald Trump

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New York, NY – Psychiatrist Dr. Artemis Upfornow, chief editor of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), announced major changes to diagnostic criteria for certain personality disorders at the American Psychiatric Association conference last week. Among them, the criteria for diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) will now just have a picture of billionaire presidential candidate Donald Trump. “We’ve been trying to simplify things and make it easier to get to a diagnosis in the field of psychiatry. We thought this would be a good first step. Anybody watching this guy talk for 5 minutes can easily surmise he has a serious personality disorder.”

The Donald had this to say from his Trump Tower penthouse: “This is great. This is yuuuge. The American Psychiatric Associations loves me. They are the greatest psychiatric association America has ever seen. Not like those loser PhD’s at the American Psychological Association. And I should know; I’ve been dealing with both ever since I was a child. After years of living with me, my ex wives and children all have to see psychiatrists too. To be honest, I should probably be in an institution somewhere undergoing intense psychotherapy right now, not atop a national presidential poll. Let’s make America great again!”

Dr. Upfornow continued, “Although many presidential candidates on both sides of the aisle (see John Edwards and Barack Obama) have been suspected of having narcissistic tendencies before, Trump is the only one to meet all of the 9 criteria, and then some. He has a serious psychiatric illness and probably should be nowhere near nuclear weapons launch codes.”

ICD-10 has already adjusted to the changes by adding several Trumplike modifiers to the narcissistic diagnostic code, including blatant misogynistic statements (F60.81.30), xenophobia (F60.81.40), and mail-order trophy wife (F60.81.50). Providers can bill for higher levels of reimbursement with these modifiers due to increased time requirements spent dealing with excessive levels of douchiness. Most major electronic health records have also made the diagnosis more easily searchable by simply typing “Trump” into the visit diagnosis field.

Trump nemesis and blonde Fox anchor Megyn Kelly reacted to the news on her show, snarkily stating, “Hey, if we’re going to make America great again, why not start with someone who is deeply mentally disturbed?” To which Trump immediately tweeted a reply:

“The bimbo back in town. I hope not for long”

The Univision website headline simply read “El Doctor dice que El Donald es muy loco en la cabeza.”

Update: After reading this article, Donald Trump immediately tweeted: “Code Brown is the worst medical satire site ever. Those doctors are really a bunch of losers! Don’t they have anything better to do?”