Hero Surgeon Miraculously Cures “Terminal Hiatal Hernia”

An alternative take on this gem:

Crystal Christmas was suffering terribly from a hiatal hernia (also referred to as a high hernia, but not to be confused with a double hernia) brought on by dangerously high levels of BMI found in her body. Hundreds of attacks each day had left her stomach bruised and battered. Her case was so severe that she even had hematuria, which has only been reported in terminal cases of hiatal hernia.

Most doctors would have referred her to hospice, but the surgeons at Harris County Health System in Houston, Texas bravely took on the case. The lead surgeon on the  case told Code Brown, “There are no case reports in the literature of anyone surviving terminal hiatal hernia. It just doesn’t happen. Especially when it progresses to hematuria. That’s when you know you’ve crossed the point of no return. But hey; this is why I became a doctor at an indigent care hospital in the first place.”

While her surgical team worked day and night for 2 months to come up with a miracle cure, Crystal Christmas continued to fight the unbearable pain. She avoided the advice of friends and other medical experts to “just take a Nexium” because she had read on the internet that Nexium causes dementia, which on top of the bruised stomach and hematuria would certainly have rung her death knell. The fateful day finally came and Mrs. Christmas had a feeling that medical history was about to be made, so she decided to record the proceedings with a device hidden in her weave.

The rest, as they say, is medical history. Doctors on the Nobel Committee are still reviewing the case, which was written up in the New England Journal of Medicine, but it may face stiff competition from a case report of a very itchy hemorrhoid that was cured by a top secret compound referred to as “Preparation H”.




Fox News to Hire Bobby Jindal as Chief Medical Correspondent

Fox News hires Bobby Jindal as its Chief Medical Correspondent




New York, NY – While it may not come as a surprise that the Fox News Channel has hired Louisiana Governor Piyush “Bobby” Jindal (R) as its newest talking head, many pundits are scratching their heads when it was announced Jindal has been named Fox News “Medical A Team” Chief Medical Correspondent.

Fox News Chairman Roger Ailes explains “If you watch the Fox News “Medical A Team”, you may or may not notice that there is not a single brown correspondent. While that may be fine for the rest of our channel, even we know that you can’t have a credible medical team without a single brown person. When was the last time you went to a hospital or clinic and didn’t see a bunch of Indian people? It’s utterly unbelievable. We say a lot of crazy, irresponsible stuff on our channel, but you can only suspend disbelief so long.”

Ailes continued, “CNN has Sanjay Gupta, Obama has Vivek Murthy, weird people at Barnes and Nobles have Deepak Chopra, so we knew we had to get someone prominent. Unfortunately, every time we reached out to an Indian doctor and they heard it was Fox News calling, they would either hang up or laugh in our face. Finally after his 50th appearance this month on our channel, one of our producers had the idea to hire Jindal for the medical team.” When asked why they didn’t try to get Dr. Mehmet Oz, Ailes replied “His name sounds too Arab-y”.

Jindal has no real medical experience to speak of other than an episode in college where he performed an exorcism on a classmate. He does however carry bona fides as a healthcare policy wonk. Mental health facilities have been slashed to near non existent levels under his administration, and Louisiana leads the country in Syphilis deaths, an accomplishment which required superhuman levels of negligence. Jindal touts his refusal of Medicaid expansion to one of the poorest states in the country as “the single best thing to happen to promote the health of poor folks in our state. They literally must stay healthy because without any reasonable access to healthcare, the only other option is a slow, painful, unnecessary death.” Despite this stellar track record, Jindal will be asked to revert to his given first name of Piyush so that he can sound more Indian, and hence have more medical credibility.

Although eyebrows are being raised in the media world, Jindal’s parents could not be more elated. “For years, we were so embarrassed by Piyush…errr…. Bobby…umm…can we call him Piyush again now? We wanted him to grow up to be a doctor like every other Indian child we knew. You would think we would be proud that he is the first Governor of Indian descent in the United States, but have you looked at his record? He took a billion dollar budget surplus and turned it into an even bigger deficit and he’s running on that record for president of the United States as a fiscal conservative! We couldn’t brag about or son like every other Indian parent does, much less show our face in the Indian community. At least now he’s almost like a doctor.”

Now that Jindal’s presidential campaign has come to its inevitable conclusion, he will begin work on various medical segments for the Fox News “Medical A Team” including:

Tanned, rested, and ready” – A segment where he will teach meditation and deep breathing exercises from a spray tanning booth.
“Women’s health” – A monthly crossover segment with Fox Anchor Megyn Kelly where they can discuss whatever about her wherever.
“Guns!” – A psychiatry focused segment where mentally ill patients will be brought in off the street and taught how to use their guns safely and responsibly.

jindal with gun

“Pray the Gay Away after your Prison Stay – with Dr. Ben Carson” – Jindal and Carson will discuss and compare the most effective cures for homosexuality.
“Biblical healing” – Jindal will scour the Bible for medical treatments for common afflictions like Syphilis. Biblical healing is something that’s good for me!
“Defund Planned Parenthood” – Noted abstinence expert Bristol Palin will be invited to discuss why “abstinence only” is superior to healthcare options provided by Planned Parenthood, as well as give Jindal tips on getting onto Dancing with the Stars.
“Bobby@HobbyLobby” – Jindal will investigate how amazing things are when people’s healthcare is dictated by their employer’s religious views

Jindal also plans to employ the groundbreaking camera angles that were pioneered by his campaign team.

jindal announcement
Pilot episodes featuring Jindal as Chief Medical Correspondent have thus far been met with overwhelming nausea and disgust, but there are plans to bring on the boys from Duck Dynasty to see what kind of crazy shenanigans they get into together. Viewers will also be able to tweet their medical questions to #Bobbyjindalissowhite.