Surgeon General Resigns and Replaced by Nurse

 

Washington, D.C. – In what has been described as “not a joke”, The Trump administration last Friday asked for the resignation of Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. He was immediately replaced by Rear Admiral Sylvia Trent-Adams, who was upgraded from nurse to charge nurse. Despite her position as “Rear Admiral”, Trent-Adams has no formal training in Gastroenterology or Colorectal Surgery.

Upon taking over the responsibility for the health and well being of America, Charge Nurse Trent-Adams immediately fell back on her nursing experience and started turning America in its bed q 2 hours, as it had become morbidly obese and unable to turn on its own volition. Florida’s Foley was replaced, to prevent a catheter associated UTI. She then applied copious amounts of nystatin powder to treat fungal infections in New Jersey (America’s armpit) and underneath Mississippi (America’s pannus). While changing a dressing on a stage 4 decubitus ulcer which had developed over the gluteal cleft that is the state of Alabama, she also fielded phone calls from family members England and South Korea demanding updates on “What the Hell is going on over there in America??” Finally, just before the end of her 12 hour shift, she remembered to place a “Fall Risk” bracelet on Colorado’s wrist.

No explanation was given for the resignation of Dr. Murthy, who had brought attention to the opioid crisis and physician burnout. Code Brown reports that even though he was no longer on call as Surgeon General, he still received a 911 text page at 2AM from Charge Nurse Trent-Adams: “Patient in 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. is rambling incoherently and unable to tell the difference between reality and fiction. Can I please get an order for some Haldol? Please advise.”

Permanent replacements for the Surgeon General have been reported to include Dr. Mehmet Oz, Dr. Harold Bornstein, and Dr. Cliff Huxtable. Dr. Murthy reportedly plans to write articles regularly for Code Brown under a pseudonym.

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Trump’s personal physician
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Fellow Pussygrabber
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Quack
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United Airlines to Unroll New “Economy Discomfort” Class for Physicians

United-Airlines

 

Chicago, IL – After beating and dragging a physician (who was trying to fly home in time for an overbooked clinic) off an overbooked flight , United Airlines has now unveiled its new “Economy Discomfort” seating on flights.  “Economy Discomfort physician class – It’s just like business class, but with a bloody lip instead of a bloody mary.”

United Airlines CEO and professional douchebag Oscar Munoz, who earlier in the day apologized that the traveler had to be “re-accommodated”  later announced, “We have a long history of upgrading active duty military to first class seats whenever possible. Now, we would like to extend our appreciation to our nation’s health care providers. For an extra $15, they can get bludgeoned in the face with their choice of armrest or seatbelt buckle. In the event we have essential flight crew that need to hitch a ride, we will offer to jettison the physician off the plane mid flight in a patched up rubber life raft, a la Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, in the general direction of their hospital or clinic. Also instead of complimentary headphones, we are offering a pager that goes off every 10 minutes with a very annoying ringtone to remind them of the hospital they are trying to rush back to.”

One area hospital administrator provided this statement to Code Brown: “For years, we have been trying to cajole our physicians to do what is necessary to help cut costs and increase profits. Now we’d like to thank United Airlines for showing us the proper way to do it. All this time we could have just been beating them to within an inch of consciousness!”

Local physician, Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram had this reaction: “Whenever I fly, I’m always expected to selflessly answer the “Is there a doctor on board?” call when someone needs medical attention. From now on, y’all United Airlines jackboot mothafu%*&rs are on your own!”

Astra Zeneca Unveils Nexium Themed Prince Tribute

Purple pill

 

London, England – In a bold marketing move, Astra Zeneca, makers of “The Purple Pill” Nexium, have rolled out an ad campaign/tribute to “The Purple One” – Prince. Director of Marketing, Art Burns, told Code Brown, “We know that 2016 has been a tough year for music lovers. Well, it has been an even tougher year for pharmaceutical companies that make proton pump inhibitors (PPI’s). As a result of studies linking PPI’s to kidney damage and dementia, people are beginning to question the wisdom of taking our medicine every single day for the rest of their lives. Do you know what that means for our executives’ multi-million dollar year end bonuses? It’s not good! It’s so bad, Prilosec OTC had to let Larry the Cable Guy go. He doesn’t just look homeless now, he actually is homeless. We needed a bold campaign to recoup our market share, and what better way than to capitalize on the passing of a global musical icon?”

The two pronged ad campaign will kick off with a social media meme blitz across Facebook and Instagram that Prince would have surely shut down had he still been alive:

prince meme

The second phase of the campaign will feature the new Nexium theme song: “Purple Pill”. Burns explained, “The reason we charge ridiculously high prices for a pill that costs pennies in the rest of the world is pretty simple: We need a massive marketing budget to allow us to buy the rights to “Purple Rain”, hire Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, and Dr. Luke (who it turns out is not actually a doctor) to rewrite the lyrics, and then use the song in a 30 second commercial to subconsciously convince your doctor to write for Nexium. Check it out!”

I never meant to cause you any reflux
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted one time to see you eating
I only wanted to see you
Taking the purple pill

Purple pill, purple pill
Purple pill, purple pill
Purple pill, purple pill
I only wanted to see you
Taking the purple pill

I never wanted to be your H2 blocker
I only wanted to be some kind of chronic med
Baby, I could never cause dementia or kidney disease
It’s such a shame our prescription had to end
Purple pill, purple pill
Purple pill, purple pill
Purple pill, purple pill
I only wanted to see you
Taking the purple pill

Honey, I know, I know
I know PPI’s are changing
It’s time we all reach out
For something new, that means you can take two

You say you got a GI bleed
But you can’t seem to keep up your BP
I think you better scope it
And let me guide you to the purple pill

Purple pill, purple pill
Purple pill, purple pill
If you know what I’m singing about up here
C’mon, open your hand
Purple pill, purple pill
I only want to see you
Only want to see you
Taking the purple pill

So far, the ad campaign has been described by media critics as “shameless, money grubbing, and totally inappropriate. Basically, a perfect direct to consumer pharmaceutical ad”. Not to be outdone, the makers of Percocet are hard at work crafting an apology ad for probably killing Prince.

NFL Denies Correlation Between Football and CTE – “Those brains were damaged before they got to the NFL”

The NFL addresses the concussion controversy

In response to a recent study out of Boston University which showed that 96% of former NFL players suspected of having CTE tested positive on autopsy, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell had this to say:
“Just because those brains had signs of injury, there is no convincing evidence that playing in the NFL had anything to do with those injuries. In fact, we contend that those brains were damaged before getting to the NFL.”
Although his claim may seem shocking to anyone with a functioning brain, Goodell pointed to multiple examples to prove his point:
“Take a look at the behavior of Tampa Bay quarterback Jameis Winston prior to getting drafted and tell me that kid didn’t have evidence of major cerebral dysfunction. What kind of moron goes into a supermarket and shoplifts crab legs when you are the most recognizable person on campus? Then he proceeds to stand up on a table in the cafeteria and yell some jibber jabber nonsense. I’m pretty sure the only way to explain that behavior is that he already had some major brain plaque buildup.”
In his defense, Winston released a statement: “If I had brain damage prior to the NFL, how was I able to gain acceptance to the esteemed institution of higher learning that is Florida State University?” which was mostly met with snickering and the sound of crickets chirping.

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Johnny Football exhibits the pathognomonic asterixis seen in CTE

Goodell also pointed to the example of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to further prove his point: “How can you claim the NFL is the sole cause of brain trauma when a guy like Ben rides around on his motorcycle without a helmet, gets into an accident with head trauma, and then still doesn’t wear a helmet? I hope at least he’s registered as an organ donor.”Code Brown scheduled an interview with Big Ben to get his side of the story, but it was canceled when he showed up not wearing any pants.
While the debate over CTE rages on, the race to find a cure is being led by Turing Pharmaceuticals. CEO and self described “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli announced, “Our plan is to develop a neuro selective proteolytic drug that would break up some of the fibrin tangles that lead to the behavioral abnormalities seen in this disease…and then totally jack up the price by 3000% to where only an NFL superstar like Tom Brady or Peyton Manning could afford it. Because that’s how we roll!!”
Until then, the FDA and basically every neurologist in America recommend if you can’t afford the new CTE drug or even if you can, you probably shouldn’t let your kids play tackle football. If they really need to feel like a big man, just teach them how to play fantasy football like everyone else.

Hamburglar Diagnosed with Colon Cancer

Grimace urged to get biopsied

McDonald Land – In sad news today, the Hamburglar, who amused children for years with his antics and unstoppable desire for hamburgers, was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. This is yet another health setback in what has been a progressive downward spiral for the Quarter Pounder connoisseur. He had already suffered a massive stroke in his 30’s from cheeseburger clogged carotids, resulting in a dysarthric speech pattern, repeating “rabble rabble” over and over.

Ironically, the Hamburglar began his career as a crew member at McDonald’s. Unable to earn a living wage despite frequently working double shifts, he eventually quit, but not before developing an insatiable appetite for hamburgers. As his burgeoning kleptomania and hoarding tendencies grew, he resorted to stealing hamburgers with the help of his accomplice, Grimace.

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Security footage from a hamburger heist gone wrong

Years of a diet consisting entirely of red “meat” eventually led to severe gastrointestinal issues. His stools became pencil thin and he grew increasingly fatigued. Due to the deadly combination of Mayor McCheese’s (R) refusal of the Obamacare McMedicaid expansion for McDonald Land and his lack of employer based insurance, the Hamburglar was unable to afford to see a doctor and get what could have been a lifesaving colonoscopy. Grimace’s attempts at a do-it-yourself McColonoscopy using a Happy Meal toy flashlight were unsuccessful and messy (pictured here). Ultimately the diagnosis was made on a trip to the ER where a CT scan showed a hamburger shaped mass in the cecum with McMetastases to the liver.

 

 

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Not taking the diagnosis lying down, the Hamburglar’s wife plans to take legal action against McDonalds. “If there had been a warning on the wrapper that eating hamburgers every day can cause colon cancer, like they have for smoking and lung cancer, then maybe he would have sought a healthier option.” Ronald McDonald Esq., spokesman for the McDonald corporation, released a statement: “Look, we put caloric and nutritional information on our menus. No one forced him to steal hamburgers every day. He could have eaten some of our delicious salad shakers (now with real lettuce!), or some chicken McNuggets…although I am legally bound to tell you that eating too many of those fried balls of pink slime may cause deafness and impotence.”

In light of these tragic diagnoses, Grimace has finally agreed to see a doctor to try to figure out exactly what the heck he is. Friends are holding out hope that he is some sort of discolored lipoma or as some suspect, a taste bud, but if it turns out that he is a tubulovillous adenoma, he may need to get his affairs in order. The Hamburglar’s nemesis, Officer BigMac, was unable to comment because his head is an enormous BigMac and his tongue is a piece of cheese.

Do I Have a Disease?

Just because a pharmaceutical company commercial calls something a disease or makes up an acronym, does that really make it a disease or are they just trying to sell you a drug?

Code Brown conducted an in depth investigation and here’s what we found. The results may shock you:

“OAB”

OAB

  • Full name: Over Active Bladder
  • Treatment: Myrbetriq
  • Or, you could: Not drink a six pack of beer before noon every day  
  • Mascot: A bladder that drags you to the bathroom with its ureters
  • Code Brown says: NOT a disease

“Low T”

low-t-testosterone

  • Full name: Low Testosterone
  • Treatment: Testosterone
  • Or, you could: Put down the penis. You’re 80. It’s not happening, Romeo.
  • Poster child: Hugh Hefner
  • Code Brown says: NOT a disease

“BED”

  • Full name: Binge Eating Disorder
  • Treatment – Psychotherapy, Vyvanse
  • Or, you could: Step away from the cake. Stop eating your emotions.
  • Poster child: Oprah
  • Code Brown says: NOT a disease

“NON-24”

  • Full name: Circadian Rhythm Disorder
  • Treatment: Hetlioz
  • Or, you could: Yeah, this is real.
  • Poster child: The person in that commercial who says, “I. am. completely blind.”
  • Code Brown says: Only Donald Trump would try to make a joke here.

“NWA”

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  • Full name: We’re not allowed to say it.
  • Treatment: Medical grade marijuana, AKA “The Chronic”
  • Or, you could: Go see Straight Outta Compton. Or The Barbershop Trilogy.
  • Poster child: Dre, Ice Cube, Eazy-E
  • Code Brown says: Will defer to the judgement of our esteemed colleague, Dr. Dre.

“OIC”

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  • Full name: Opioid Induced Constipation
  • Treatment: Movantik, Relistor
  • Or, you could: Stop taking narcotics for your back pain and go do some yoga
  • Poster child: Rush Limbaugh
  • Code Brown says: This is a drug side effect, NOT a disease

“IBS-D”

xifaxan

  • Full name: Diarrhea Predominant Irritable Bowel Syndrome
  • Treatment: Xifaxan
  • Or, you could: See a psychiatrist and get a grip. Your labs and endoscopy are normal. You’re not dying of cancer because you have diarrhea every time you eat at Chipotle.
  • Mascot: That creepy intestinal puppet that gave you nightmares after the Super Bowl
  • Code Brown says: REAL disease (What? i’m a gastroenterologist. This is 90% of my practice. I’ve got med school loans to pay!)