Surgeon General Resigns and Replaced by Nurse

 

Washington, D.C. – In what has been described as “not a joke”, The Trump administration last Friday asked for the resignation of Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. He was immediately replaced by Rear Admiral Sylvia Trent-Adams, who was upgraded from nurse to charge nurse. Despite her position as “Rear Admiral”, Trent-Adams has no formal training in Gastroenterology or Colorectal Surgery.

Upon taking over the responsibility for the health and well being of America, Charge Nurse Trent-Adams immediately fell back on her nursing experience and started turning America in its bed q 2 hours, as it had become morbidly obese and unable to turn on its own volition. Florida’s Foley was replaced, to prevent a catheter associated UTI. She then applied copious amounts of nystatin powder to treat fungal infections in New Jersey (America’s armpit) and underneath Mississippi (America’s pannus). While changing a dressing on a stage 4 decubitus ulcer which had developed over the gluteal cleft that is the state of Alabama, she also fielded phone calls from family members England and South Korea demanding updates on “What the Hell is going on over there in America??” Finally, just before the end of her 12 hour shift, she remembered to place a “Fall Risk” bracelet on Colorado’s wrist.

No explanation was given for the resignation of Dr. Murthy, who had brought attention to the opioid crisis and physician burnout. Code Brown reports that even though he was no longer on call as Surgeon General, he still received a 911 text page at 2AM from Charge Nurse Trent-Adams: “Patient in 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. is rambling incoherently and unable to tell the difference between reality and fiction. Can I please get an order for some Haldol? Please advise.”

Permanent replacements for the Surgeon General have been reported to include Dr. Mehmet Oz, Dr. Harold Bornstein, and Dr. Cliff Huxtable. Dr. Murthy reportedly plans to write articles regularly for Code Brown under a pseudonym.

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Trump’s personal physician
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Fellow Pussygrabber
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Quack

GI Deploys Largest Non Nuclear Suppository Ever

New Orleans, LA – A local gastroenterologist dropped his hospital’s most powerful non-nuclear suppository on an ISHITS (also sometimes referred to as ISHART) target in the medicine ward Thursday, the first time this type of suppository has been used on the wards or ICU, according to hospital officials.

A BM-4U Massive Odorous Air Blast Bomb (MOAB), nicknamed the “mother of all brown bombs,” was dropped at 7:30 p.m. local time, according to four hospital officials with direct knowledge of the mission. A MOAB is a 3 foot-long, 2000 gram, GPS (Gluteal Positioning System) -guided suppository. Even Hospital CEO Donald Dump called it “another successful disimpaction job” later Thursday.


225px-MOABAFAM        What to know about the MOAB

  •   Nicknamed the “mother of all brown bombs”
  • Kept in Super Duper Specialty Pharmacy
  • Concocted from proprietaty mixture of Dulcolax, Miralax, Senna, Cascara, Colon Blow, Amitiza, Linzess, Essential Lavender Oils, a hint of Vosyn, and some Prune Juice

The suppository was dropped by a PGY-4 GI Fellow, stationed in the hospital and overseen by the Chairman of the Gastroenterology Department, James “Mad Dog” Flatus, a hospital spokesman told Gomerblog.

Officials said the target was an ISHITS rectum and sigmoid colon in the Uranus district of patient I.M. Nagannapoop, a remote area in the patient’s southern most orifice which borders his scrotum.

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Map of target with positive “red arrow” sign suggesting clinical correlation

“The Hospital takes the fight against ISHITS very seriously and in order to defeat the impaction we must deny them rectal space, which we did,” Hospital Spokesman Sean Sphincter said later Thursday. The strike “targeted a system of large intestine that feces used to move around freely before massive opioid abuse infiltrated the area.”

After the MOAB was deployed, an enormous mushroom cloud was seen emanating from the medicine wards. Staff from such remote departments as Radiation Oncology and Pathology were reportedly seen crawling out from their offices to see what all the commotion was about.

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Target status post MOAB suppository deployment

Initial assessments claim no collateral damage to surrounding patients. Approximately 36 pieces of stool were reportedly disimpacted in the blast. Stay with Code Brown as we continue to get to the bottom of this story.

Trump to Make Hospital Gloves

trump gloves

New York City, New York – In an effort to reach out to healthcare workers for votes in order to to help prop up sagging poll numbers, the Trump Presidential campaign announced Tuesday that it would be manufacturing a special line of Trump medical gloves to be used in hospitals and clinics across the country. A few highlights of the glove were listed on the campaign website:

  • The gloves only come in small and extra small to fit “Trump sized hands”.
  • A special Trump sterile glove will be made for surgeons who feel that they alone can fix what’s wrong with your patient and make them great again.
  • The Trump gloves were manufactured in China without any hint of irony.
  • Made in latex free, powder free, and empathy free.
  • The limited edition Trump medical gloves come with a double and triple backup guarantee: If your Trump gloves wear out prematurely, they will be immediately replaced with a special edition “Marla Trump” glove. If that pair gets soiled, if you just get bored of it, or if you feel like double gloving, a “Melania Trump” glove will be shipped overnight from a factory in Slovenia, no questions asked.

The FDA immediately issued a black box warning after many patients reported a severe Stevens-Johnson like reaction after coming in contact with Trump gloves:

“ Trump gloves are not recommended for use with Mexicans, Muslims, women who are menstruating, breastfeeding, or planning on using the bathroom, women with babies, crying babies, veterans, parents of Muslim veterans, prisoners of war, journalists, did we leave anyone out? I’m sure this will get updated by the end of the week.”

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Bend over, America. This will only hurt until November.

Legendary rock band Spinal Tap even weighed in on the controversial Trump gloves, releasing a statement: “We cannot recommend smelling this glove. If there was a knob for racism, Trump would go to 11.”

Trump fired off a series of tweets to mark the release of the gloves: “Medical gloves under Obama have been a disaster. They have tiny holes in them which don’t keep out blood, bacteria, or Mexicans. If you are trying to intimidate a patient with that snapping noise as you put them on, they tear when you pull on the wristband too hard. Now, I don’t go to the doctor very often because I am in amazing health. Like, the best health in modern history. My personal physician even said so. What was I tweeting about? Oh yeah. Make rectal exams great again. Wear Trump gloves.”

* Update – The “Melania Trump” glove has been discontinued after it was discovered that the gloves were recycled from previously used gloves dating back to 2008.

DSM Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder Now Just a Picture of Donald Trump

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New York, NY – Psychiatrist Dr. Artemis Upfornow, chief editor of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), announced major changes to diagnostic criteria for certain personality disorders at the American Psychiatric Association conference last week. Among them, the criteria for diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) will now just have a picture of billionaire presidential candidate Donald Trump. “We’ve been trying to simplify things and make it easier to get to a diagnosis in the field of psychiatry. We thought this would be a good first step. Anybody watching this guy talk for 5 minutes can easily surmise he has a serious personality disorder.”

The Donald had this to say from his Trump Tower penthouse: “This is great. This is yuuuge. The American Psychiatric Associations loves me. They are the greatest psychiatric association America has ever seen. Not like those loser PhD’s at the American Psychological Association. And I should know; I’ve been dealing with both ever since I was a child. After years of living with me, my ex wives and children all have to see psychiatrists too. To be honest, I should probably be in an institution somewhere undergoing intense psychotherapy right now, not atop a national presidential poll. Let’s make America great again!”

Dr. Upfornow continued, “Although many presidential candidates on both sides of the aisle (see John Edwards and Barack Obama) have been suspected of having narcissistic tendencies before, Trump is the only one to meet all of the 9 criteria, and then some. He has a serious psychiatric illness and probably should be nowhere near nuclear weapons launch codes.”

ICD-10 has already adjusted to the changes by adding several Trumplike modifiers to the narcissistic diagnostic code, including blatant misogynistic statements (F60.81.30), xenophobia (F60.81.40), and mail-order trophy wife (F60.81.50). Providers can bill for higher levels of reimbursement with these modifiers due to increased time requirements spent dealing with excessive levels of douchiness. Most major electronic health records have also made the diagnosis more easily searchable by simply typing “Trump” into the visit diagnosis field.

Trump nemesis and blonde Fox anchor Megyn Kelly reacted to the news on her show, snarkily stating, “Hey, if we’re going to make America great again, why not start with someone who is deeply mentally disturbed?” To which Trump immediately tweeted a reply:

“The bimbo back in town. I hope not for long”

The Univision website headline simply read “El Doctor dice que El Donald es muy loco en la cabeza.”

Update: After reading this article, Donald Trump immediately tweeted: “Code Brown is the worst medical satire site ever. Those doctors are really a bunch of losers! Don’t they have anything better to do?”

Fox News to Hire Bobby Jindal as Chief Medical Correspondent

Fox News hires Bobby Jindal as its Chief Medical Correspondent

 

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New York, NY – While it may not come as a surprise that the Fox News Channel has hired Louisiana Governor Piyush “Bobby” Jindal (R) as its newest talking head, many pundits are scratching their heads when it was announced Jindal has been named Fox News “Medical A Team” Chief Medical Correspondent.

Fox News Chairman Roger Ailes explains “If you watch the Fox News “Medical A Team”, you may or may not notice that there is not a single brown correspondent. While that may be fine for the rest of our channel, even we know that you can’t have a credible medical team without a single brown person. When was the last time you went to a hospital or clinic and didn’t see a bunch of Indian people? It’s utterly unbelievable. We say a lot of crazy, irresponsible stuff on our channel, but you can only suspend disbelief so long.”

Ailes continued, “CNN has Sanjay Gupta, Obama has Vivek Murthy, weird people at Barnes and Nobles have Deepak Chopra, so we knew we had to get someone prominent. Unfortunately, every time we reached out to an Indian doctor and they heard it was Fox News calling, they would either hang up or laugh in our face. Finally after his 50th appearance this month on our channel, one of our producers had the idea to hire Jindal for the medical team.” When asked why they didn’t try to get Dr. Mehmet Oz, Ailes replied “His name sounds too Arab-y”.

Jindal has no real medical experience to speak of other than an episode in college where he performed an exorcism on a classmate. He does however carry bona fides as a healthcare policy wonk. Mental health facilities have been slashed to near non existent levels under his administration, and Louisiana leads the country in Syphilis deaths, an accomplishment which required superhuman levels of negligence. Jindal touts his refusal of Medicaid expansion to one of the poorest states in the country as “the single best thing to happen to promote the health of poor folks in our state. They literally must stay healthy because without any reasonable access to healthcare, the only other option is a slow, painful, unnecessary death.” Despite this stellar track record, Jindal will be asked to revert to his given first name of Piyush so that he can sound more Indian, and hence have more medical credibility.

Although eyebrows are being raised in the media world, Jindal’s parents could not be more elated. “For years, we were so embarrassed by Piyush…errr…. Bobby…umm…can we call him Piyush again now? We wanted him to grow up to be a doctor like every other Indian child we knew. You would think we would be proud that he is the first Governor of Indian descent in the United States, but have you looked at his record? He took a billion dollar budget surplus and turned it into an even bigger deficit and he’s running on that record for president of the United States as a fiscal conservative! We couldn’t brag about or son like every other Indian parent does, much less show our face in the Indian community. At least now he’s almost like a doctor.”

Now that Jindal’s presidential campaign has come to its inevitable conclusion, he will begin work on various medical segments for the Fox News “Medical A Team” including:

Tanned, rested, and ready” – A segment where he will teach meditation and deep breathing exercises from a spray tanning booth.
“Women’s health” – A monthly crossover segment with Fox Anchor Megyn Kelly where they can discuss whatever about her wherever.
“Guns!” – A psychiatry focused segment where mentally ill patients will be brought in off the street and taught how to use their guns safely and responsibly.

jindal with gun

“Pray the Gay Away after your Prison Stay – with Dr. Ben Carson” – Jindal and Carson will discuss and compare the most effective cures for homosexuality.
“Biblical healing” – Jindal will scour the Bible for medical treatments for common afflictions like Syphilis. Biblical healing is something that’s good for me!
“Defund Planned Parenthood” – Noted abstinence expert Bristol Palin will be invited to discuss why “abstinence only” is superior to healthcare options provided by Planned Parenthood, as well as give Jindal tips on getting onto Dancing with the Stars.
“Bobby@HobbyLobby” – Jindal will investigate how amazing things are when people’s healthcare is dictated by their employer’s religious views

Jindal also plans to employ the groundbreaking camera angles that were pioneered by his campaign team.

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Pilot episodes featuring Jindal as Chief Medical Correspondent have thus far been met with overwhelming nausea and disgust, but there are plans to bring on the boys from Duck Dynasty to see what kind of crazy shenanigans they get into together. Viewers will also be able to tweet their medical questions to #Bobbyjindalissowhite.