Washington, D.C. – In what has been described as “not a joke”, The Trump administration last Friday asked for the resignation of Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. He was immediately replaced by Rear Admiral Sylvia Trent-Adams, who was upgraded from nurse to charge nurse. Despite her position as “Rear Admiral”, Trent-Adams has no formal training in Gastroenterology or Colorectal Surgery.
Upon taking over the responsibility for the health and well being of America, Charge Nurse Trent-Adams immediately fell back on her nursing experience and started turning America in its bed q 2 hours, as it had become morbidly obese and unable to turn on its own volition. Florida’s Foley was replaced, to prevent a catheter associated UTI. She then applied copious amounts of nystatin powder to treat fungal infections in New Jersey (America’s armpit) and underneath Mississippi (America’s pannus). While changing a dressing on a stage 4 decubitus ulcer which had developed over the gluteal cleft that is the state of Alabama, she also fielded phone calls from family members England and South Korea demanding updates on “What the Hell is going on over there in America??” Finally, just before the end of her 12 hour shift, she remembered to place a “Fall Risk” bracelet on Colorado’s wrist.
No explanation was given for the resignation of Dr. Murthy, who had brought attention to the opioid crisis and physician burnout. Code Brown reports that even though he was no longer on call as Surgeon General, he still received a 911 text page at 2AM from Charge Nurse Trent-Adams: “Patient in 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. is rambling incoherently and unable to tell the difference between reality and fiction. Can I please get an order for some Haldol? Please advise.”
Permanent replacements for the Surgeon General have been reported to include Dr. Mehmet Oz, Dr. Harold Bornstein, and Dr. Cliff Huxtable. Dr. Murthy reportedly plans to write articles regularly for Code Brown under a pseudonym.