United Airlines to Unroll New “Economy Discomfort” Class for Physicians

United-Airlines

 

Chicago, IL – After beating and dragging a physician (who was trying to fly home in time for an overbooked clinic) off an overbooked flight , United Airlines has now unveiled its new “Economy Discomfort” seating on flights.  “Economy Discomfort physician class – It’s just like business class, but with a bloody lip instead of a bloody mary.”

United Airlines CEO and professional douchebag Oscar Munoz, who earlier in the day apologized that the traveler had to be “re-accommodated”  later announced, “We have a long history of upgrading active duty military to first class seats whenever possible. Now, we would like to extend our appreciation to our nation’s health care providers. For an extra $15, they can get bludgeoned in the face with their choice of armrest or seatbelt buckle. In the event we have essential flight crew that need to hitch a ride, we will offer to jettison the physician off the plane mid flight in a patched up rubber life raft, a la Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, in the general direction of their hospital or clinic. Also instead of complimentary headphones, we are offering a pager that goes off every 10 minutes with a very annoying ringtone to remind them of the hospital they are trying to rush back to.”

One area hospital administrator provided this statement to Code Brown: “For years, we have been trying to cajole our physicians to do what is necessary to help cut costs and increase profits. Now we’d like to thank United Airlines for showing us the proper way to do it. All this time we could have just been beating them to within an inch of consciousness!”

Local physician, Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram had this reaction: “Whenever I fly, I’m always expected to selflessly answer the “Is there a doctor on board?” call when someone needs medical attention. From now on, y’all United Airlines jackboot mothafu%*&rs are on your own!”

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