Washington, D.C. – In what has been described as “not a joke”, The Trump administration last Friday asked for the resignation of Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. He was immediately replaced by Rear Admiral Sylvia Trent-Adams, who was upgraded from nurse to charge nurse. Despite her position as “Rear Admiral”, Trent-Adams has no formal training in Gastroenterology or Colorectal Surgery.
Upon taking over the responsibility for the health and well being of America, Charge Nurse Trent-Adams immediately fell back on her nursing experience and started turning America in its bed q 2 hours, as it had become morbidly obese and unable to turn on its own volition. Florida’s Foley was replaced, to prevent a catheter associated UTI. She then applied copious amounts of nystatin powder to treat fungal infections in New Jersey (America’s armpit) and underneath Mississippi (America’s pannus). While changing a dressing on a stage 4 decubitus ulcer which had developed over the gluteal cleft that is the state of Alabama, she also fielded phone calls from family members England and South Korea demanding updates on “What the Hell is going on over there in America??” Finally, just before the end of her 12 hour shift, she remembered to place a “Fall Risk” bracelet on Colorado’s wrist.
No explanation was given for the resignation of Dr. Murthy, who had brought attention to the opioid crisis and physician burnout. Code Brown reports that even though he was no longer on call as Surgeon General, he still received a 911 text page at 2AM from Charge Nurse Trent-Adams: “Patient in 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. is rambling incoherently and unable to tell the difference between reality and fiction. Can I please get an order for some Haldol? Please advise.”
Permanent replacements for the Surgeon General have been reported to include Dr. Mehmet Oz, Dr. Harold Bornstein, and Dr. Cliff Huxtable. Dr. Murthy reportedly plans to write articles regularly for Code Brown under a pseudonym.
New Orleans, LA – A local gastroenterologist dropped his hospital’s most powerful non-nuclear suppository on an ISHITS (also sometimes referred to as ISHART) target in the medicine ward Thursday, the first time this type of suppository has been used on the wards or ICU, according to hospital officials.
A BM-4U Massive Odorous Air Blast Bomb (MOAB), nicknamed the “mother of all brown bombs,” was dropped at 7:30 p.m. local time, according to four hospital officials with direct knowledge of the mission. A MOAB is a 3 foot-long, 2000 gram, GPS (Gluteal Positioning System) -guided suppository. Even Hospital CEO Donald Dump called it “another successful disimpaction job” later Thursday.
What to know about the MOAB
Nicknamed the “mother of all brown bombs”
Kept in Super Duper Specialty Pharmacy
Concocted from proprietaty mixture of Dulcolax, Miralax, Senna, Cascara, Colon Blow, Amitiza, Linzess, Essential Lavender Oils, a hint of Vosyn, and some Prune Juice
The suppository was dropped by a PGY-4 GI Fellow, stationed in the hospital and overseen by the Chairman of the Gastroenterology Department, James “Mad Dog” Flatus, a hospital spokesman told Gomerblog.
Officials said the target was an ISHITS rectum and sigmoid colon in the Uranus district of patient I.M. Nagannapoop, a remote area in the patient’s southern most orifice which borders his scrotum.
“The Hospital takes the fight against ISHITS very seriously and in order to defeat the impaction we must deny them rectal space, which we did,” Hospital Spokesman Sean Sphincter said later Thursday. The strike “targeted a system of large intestine that feces used to move around freely before massive opioid abuse infiltrated the area.”
After the MOAB was deployed, an enormous mushroom cloud was seen emanating from the medicine wards. Staff from such remote departments as Radiation Oncology and Pathology were reportedly seen crawling out from their offices to see what all the commotion was about.
Initial assessments claim no collateral damage to surrounding patients. Approximately 36 pieces of stool were reportedly disimpacted in the blast. Stay with Code Brown as we continue to get to the bottom of this story.
Chicago, IL – After beating and dragging a physician (who was trying to fly home in time for an overbooked clinic) off an overbooked flight , United Airlines has now unveiled its new “Economy Discomfort” seating on flights. “Economy Discomfort physician class – It’s just like business class, but with a bloody lip instead of a bloody mary.”
United Airlines CEO and professional douchebag Oscar Munoz, who earlier in the day apologized that the traveler had to be “re-accommodated” later announced, “We have a long history of upgrading active duty military to first class seats whenever possible. Now, we would like to extend our appreciation to our nation’s health care providers. For an extra $15, they can get bludgeoned in the face with their choice of armrest or seatbelt buckle. In the event we have essential flight crew that need to hitch a ride, we will offer to jettison the physician off the plane mid flight in a patched up rubber life raft, a la Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, in the general direction of their hospital or clinic. Also instead of complimentary headphones, we are offering a pager that goes off every 10 minutes with a very annoying ringtone to remind them of the hospital they are trying to rush back to.”
One area hospital administrator provided this statement to Code Brown: “For years, we have been trying to cajole our physicians to do what is necessary to help cut costs and increase profits. Now we’d like to thank United Airlines for showing us the proper way to do it. All this time we could have just been beating them to within an inch of consciousness!”
Local physician, Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram had this reaction: “Whenever I fly, I’m always expected to selflessly answer the “Is there a doctor on board?” call when someone needs medical attention. From now on, y’all United Airlines jackboot mothafu%*&rs are on your own!”