New York City, New York – In an effort to reach out to healthcare workers for votes in order to to help prop up sagging poll numbers, the Trump Presidential campaign announced Tuesday that it would be manufacturing a special line of Trump medical gloves to be used in hospitals and clinics across the country. A few highlights of the glove were listed on the campaign website:
- The gloves only come in small and extra small to fit “Trump sized hands”.
- A special Trump sterile glove will be made for surgeons who feel that they alone can fix what’s wrong with your patient and make them great again.
- The Trump gloves were manufactured in China without any hint of irony.
- Made in latex free, powder free, and empathy free.
- The limited edition Trump medical gloves come with a double and triple backup guarantee: If your Trump gloves wear out prematurely, they will be immediately replaced with a special edition “Marla Trump” glove. If that pair gets soiled, if you just get bored of it, or if you feel like double gloving, a “Melania Trump” glove will be shipped overnight from a factory in Slovenia, no questions asked.
The FDA immediately issued a black box warning after many patients reported a severe Stevens-Johnson like reaction after coming in contact with Trump gloves:
“ Trump gloves are not recommended for use with Mexicans, Muslims, women who are menstruating, breastfeeding, or planning on using the bathroom, women with babies, crying babies, veterans, parents of Muslim veterans, prisoners of war, journalists, did we leave anyone out? I’m sure this will get updated by the end of the week.”
Legendary rock band Spinal Tap even weighed in on the controversial Trump gloves, releasing a statement: “We cannot recommend smelling this glove. If there was a knob for racism, Trump would go to 11.”
Trump fired off a series of tweets to mark the release of the gloves: “Medical gloves under Obama have been a disaster. They have tiny holes in them which don’t keep out blood, bacteria, or Mexicans. If you are trying to intimidate a patient with that snapping noise as you put them on, they tear when you pull on the wristband too hard. Now, I don’t go to the doctor very often because I am in amazing health. Like, the best health in modern history. My personal physician even said so. What was I tweeting about? Oh yeah. Make rectal exams great again. Wear Trump gloves.”
* Update – The “Melania Trump” glove has been discontinued after it was discovered that the gloves were recycled from previously used gloves dating back to 2008.