Hero Surgeon Miraculously Cures “Terminal Hiatal Hernia”

An alternative take on this gem:

Crystal Christmas was suffering terribly from a hiatal hernia (also referred to as a high hernia, but not to be confused with a double hernia) brought on by dangerously high levels of BMI found in her body. Hundreds of attacks each day had left her stomach bruised and battered. Her case was so severe that she even had hematuria, which has only been reported in terminal cases of hiatal hernia.

Most doctors would have referred her to hospice, but the surgeons at Harris County Health System in Houston, Texas bravely took on the case. The lead surgeon on the  case told Code Brown, “There are no case reports in the literature of anyone surviving terminal hiatal hernia. It just doesn’t happen. Especially when it progresses to hematuria. That’s when you know you’ve crossed the point of no return. But hey; this is why I became a doctor at an indigent care hospital in the first place.”

While her surgical team worked day and night for 2 months to come up with a miracle cure, Crystal Christmas continued to fight the unbearable pain. She avoided the advice of friends and other medical experts to “just take a Nexium” because she had read on the internet that Nexium causes dementia, which on top of the bruised stomach and hematuria would certainly have rung her death knell. The fateful day finally came and Mrs. Christmas had a feeling that medical history was about to be made, so she decided to record the proceedings with a device hidden in her weave.

The rest, as they say, is medical history. Doctors on the Nobel Committee are still reviewing the case, which was written up in the New England Journal of Medicine, but it may face stiff competition from a case report of a very itchy hemorrhoid that was cured by a top secret compound referred to as “Preparation H”.