In response to a recent study out of Boston University which showed that 96% of former NFL players suspected of having CTE tested positive on autopsy, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell had this to say:
“Just because those brains had signs of injury, there is no convincing evidence that playing in the NFL had anything to do with those injuries. In fact, we contend that those brains were damaged before getting to the NFL.”
Although his claim may seem shocking to anyone with a functioning brain, Goodell pointed to multiple examples to prove his point:
“Take a look at the behavior of Tampa Bay quarterback Jameis Winston prior to getting drafted and tell me that kid didn’t have evidence of major cerebral dysfunction. What kind of moron goes into a supermarket and shoplifts crab legs when you are the most recognizable person on campus? Then he proceeds to stand up on a table in the cafeteria and yell some jibber jabber nonsense. I’m pretty sure the only way to explain that behavior is that he already had some major brain plaque buildup.”
In his defense, Winston released a statement: “If I had brain damage prior to the NFL, how was I able to gain acceptance to the esteemed institution of higher learning that is Florida State University?” which was mostly met with snickering and the sound of crickets chirping.
Goodell also pointed to the example of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to further prove his point: “How can you claim the NFL is the sole cause of brain trauma when a guy like Ben rides around on his motorcycle without a helmet, gets into an accident with head trauma, and then still doesn’t wear a helmet? I hope at least he’s registered as an organ donor.”Code Brown scheduled an interview with Big Ben to get his side of the story, but it was canceled when he showed up not wearing any pants.
While the debate over CTE rages on, the race to find a cure is being led by Turing Pharmaceuticals. CEO and self described “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli announced, “Our plan is to develop a neuro selective proteolytic drug that would break up some of the fibrin tangles that lead to the behavioral abnormalities seen in this disease…and then totally jack up the price by 3000% to where only an NFL superstar like Tom Brady or Peyton Manning could afford it. Because that’s how we roll!!”
Until then, the FDA and basically every neurologist in America recommend if you can’t afford the new CTE drug or even if you can, you probably shouldn’t let your kids play tackle football. If they really need to feel like a big man, just teach them how to play fantasy football like everyone else.