New York, NY – Psychiatrist Dr. Artemis Upfornow, chief editor of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), announced major changes to diagnostic criteria for certain personality disorders at the American Psychiatric Association conference last week. Among them, the criteria for diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) will now just have a picture of billionaire presidential candidate Donald Trump. “We’ve been trying to simplify things and make it easier to get to a diagnosis in the field of psychiatry. We thought this would be a good first step. Anybody watching this guy talk for 5 minutes can easily surmise he has a serious personality disorder.”
The Donald had this to say from his Trump Tower penthouse: “This is great. This is yuuuge. The American Psychiatric Associations loves me. They are the greatest psychiatric association America has ever seen. Not like those loser PhD’s at the American Psychological Association. And I should know; I’ve been dealing with both ever since I was a child. After years of living with me, my ex wives and children all have to see psychiatrists too. To be honest, I should probably be in an institution somewhere undergoing intense psychotherapy right now, not atop a national presidential poll. Let’s make America great again!”
Dr. Upfornow continued, “Although many presidential candidates on both sides of the aisle (see John Edwards and Barack Obama) have been suspected of having narcissistic tendencies before, Trump is the only one to meet all of the 9 criteria, and then some. He has a serious psychiatric illness and probably should be nowhere near nuclear weapons launch codes.”
ICD-10 has already adjusted to the changes by adding several Trumplike modifiers to the narcissistic diagnostic code, including blatant misogynistic statements (F60.81.30), xenophobia (F60.81.40), and mail-order trophy wife (F60.81.50). Providers can bill for higher levels of reimbursement with these modifiers due to increased time requirements spent dealing with excessive levels of douchiness. Most major electronic health records have also made the diagnosis more easily searchable by simply typing “Trump” into the visit diagnosis field.
Trump nemesis and blonde Fox anchor Megyn Kelly reacted to the news on her show, snarkily stating, “Hey, if we’re going to make America great again, why not start with someone who is deeply mentally disturbed?” To which Trump immediately tweeted a reply:
The Univision website headline simply read “El Doctor dice que El Donald es muy loco en la cabeza.”
Update: After reading this article, Donald Trump immediately tweeted: “Code Brown is the worst medical satire site ever. Those doctors are really a bunch of losers! Don’t they have anything better to do?”