DSM Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder Now Just a Picture of Donald Trump

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New York, NY – Psychiatrist Dr. Artemis Upfornow, chief editor of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), announced major changes to diagnostic criteria for certain personality disorders at the American Psychiatric Association conference last week. Among them, the criteria for diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) will now just have a picture of billionaire presidential candidate Donald Trump. “We’ve been trying to simplify things and make it easier to get to a diagnosis in the field of psychiatry. We thought this would be a good first step. Anybody watching this guy talk for 5 minutes can easily surmise he has a serious personality disorder.”

The Donald had this to say from his Trump Tower penthouse: “This is great. This is yuuuge. The American Psychiatric Associations loves me. They are the greatest psychiatric association America has ever seen. Not like those loser PhD’s at the American Psychological Association. And I should know; I’ve been dealing with both ever since I was a child. After years of living with me, my ex wives and children all have to see psychiatrists too. To be honest, I should probably be in an institution somewhere undergoing intense psychotherapy right now, not atop a national presidential poll. Let’s make America great again!”

Dr. Upfornow continued, “Although many presidential candidates on both sides of the aisle (see John Edwards and Barack Obama) have been suspected of having narcissistic tendencies before, Trump is the only one to meet all of the 9 criteria, and then some. He has a serious psychiatric illness and probably should be nowhere near nuclear weapons launch codes.”

ICD-10 has already adjusted to the changes by adding several Trumplike modifiers to the narcissistic diagnostic code, including blatant misogynistic statements (F60.81.30), xenophobia (F60.81.40), and mail-order trophy wife (F60.81.50). Providers can bill for higher levels of reimbursement with these modifiers due to increased time requirements spent dealing with excessive levels of douchiness. Most major electronic health records have also made the diagnosis more easily searchable by simply typing “Trump” into the visit diagnosis field.

Trump nemesis and blonde Fox anchor Megyn Kelly reacted to the news on her show, snarkily stating, “Hey, if we’re going to make America great again, why not start with someone who is deeply mentally disturbed?” To which Trump immediately tweeted a reply:

“The bimbo back in town. I hope not for long”

The Univision website headline simply read “El Doctor dice que El Donald es muy loco en la cabeza.”

Update: After reading this article, Donald Trump immediately tweeted: “Code Brown is the worst medical satire site ever. Those doctors are really a bunch of losers! Don’t they have anything better to do?”

NFL Denies Correlation Between Football and CTE – “Those brains were damaged before they got to the NFL”

The NFL addresses the concussion controversy

In response to a recent study out of Boston University which showed that 96% of former NFL players suspected of having CTE tested positive on autopsy, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell had this to say:
“Just because those brains had signs of injury, there is no convincing evidence that playing in the NFL had anything to do with those injuries. In fact, we contend that those brains were damaged before getting to the NFL.”
Although his claim may seem shocking to anyone with a functioning brain, Goodell pointed to multiple examples to prove his point:
“Take a look at the behavior of Tampa Bay quarterback Jameis Winston prior to getting drafted and tell me that kid didn’t have evidence of major cerebral dysfunction. What kind of moron goes into a supermarket and shoplifts crab legs when you are the most recognizable person on campus? Then he proceeds to stand up on a table in the cafeteria and yell some jibber jabber nonsense. I’m pretty sure the only way to explain that behavior is that he already had some major brain plaque buildup.”
In his defense, Winston released a statement: “If I had brain damage prior to the NFL, how was I able to gain acceptance to the esteemed institution of higher learning that is Florida State University?” which was mostly met with snickering and the sound of crickets chirping.

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Johnny Football exhibits the pathognomonic asterixis seen in CTE

Goodell also pointed to the example of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to further prove his point: “How can you claim the NFL is the sole cause of brain trauma when a guy like Ben rides around on his motorcycle without a helmet, gets into an accident with head trauma, and then still doesn’t wear a helmet? I hope at least he’s registered as an organ donor.”Code Brown scheduled an interview with Big Ben to get his side of the story, but it was canceled when he showed up not wearing any pants.
While the debate over CTE rages on, the race to find a cure is being led by Turing Pharmaceuticals. CEO and self described “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli announced, “Our plan is to develop a neuro selective proteolytic drug that would break up some of the fibrin tangles that lead to the behavioral abnormalities seen in this disease…and then totally jack up the price by 3000% to where only an NFL superstar like Tom Brady or Peyton Manning could afford it. Because that’s how we roll!!”
Until then, the FDA and basically every neurologist in America recommend if you can’t afford the new CTE drug or even if you can, you probably shouldn’t let your kids play tackle football. If they really need to feel like a big man, just teach them how to play fantasy football like everyone else.

Hamburglar Diagnosed with Colon Cancer

Grimace urged to get biopsied

McDonald Land – In sad news today, the Hamburglar, who amused children for years with his antics and unstoppable desire for hamburgers, was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. This is yet another health setback in what has been a progressive downward spiral for the Quarter Pounder connoisseur. He had already suffered a massive stroke in his 30’s from cheeseburger clogged carotids, resulting in a dysarthric speech pattern, repeating “rabble rabble” over and over.

Ironically, the Hamburglar began his career as a crew member at McDonald’s. Unable to earn a living wage despite frequently working double shifts, he eventually quit, but not before developing an insatiable appetite for hamburgers. As his burgeoning kleptomania and hoarding tendencies grew, he resorted to stealing hamburgers with the help of his accomplice, Grimace.

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Security footage from a hamburger heist gone wrong

Years of a diet consisting entirely of red “meat” eventually led to severe gastrointestinal issues. His stools became pencil thin and he grew increasingly fatigued. Due to the deadly combination of Mayor McCheese’s (R) refusal of the Obamacare McMedicaid expansion for McDonald Land and his lack of employer based insurance, the Hamburglar was unable to afford to see a doctor and get what could have been a lifesaving colonoscopy. Grimace’s attempts at a do-it-yourself McColonoscopy using a Happy Meal toy flashlight were unsuccessful and messy (pictured here). Ultimately the diagnosis was made on a trip to the ER where a CT scan showed a hamburger shaped mass in the cecum with McMetastases to the liver.

 

 

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Not taking the diagnosis lying down, the Hamburglar’s wife plans to take legal action against McDonalds. “If there had been a warning on the wrapper that eating hamburgers every day can cause colon cancer, like they have for smoking and lung cancer, then maybe he would have sought a healthier option.” Ronald McDonald Esq., spokesman for the McDonald corporation, released a statement: “Look, we put caloric and nutritional information on our menus. No one forced him to steal hamburgers every day. He could have eaten some of our delicious salad shakers (now with real lettuce!), or some chicken McNuggets…although I am legally bound to tell you that eating too many of those fried balls of pink slime may cause deafness and impotence.”

In light of these tragic diagnoses, Grimace has finally agreed to see a doctor to try to figure out exactly what the heck he is. Friends are holding out hope that he is some sort of discolored lipoma or as some suspect, a taste bud, but if it turns out that he is a tubulovillous adenoma, he may need to get his affairs in order. The Hamburglar’s nemesis, Officer BigMac, was unable to comment because his head is an enormous BigMac and his tongue is a piece of cheese.

Do I Have a Disease?

Just because a pharmaceutical company commercial calls something a disease or makes up an acronym, does that really make it a disease or are they just trying to sell you a drug?

Code Brown conducted an in depth investigation and here’s what we found. The results may shock you:

“OAB”

OAB

  • Full name: Over Active Bladder
  • Treatment: Myrbetriq
  • Or, you could: Not drink a six pack of beer before noon every day  
  • Mascot: A bladder that drags you to the bathroom with its ureters
  • Code Brown says: NOT a disease

“Low T”

low-t-testosterone

  • Full name: Low Testosterone
  • Treatment: Testosterone
  • Or, you could: Put down the penis. You’re 80. It’s not happening, Romeo.
  • Poster child: Hugh Hefner
  • Code Brown says: NOT a disease

“BED”

  • Full name: Binge Eating Disorder
  • Treatment – Psychotherapy, Vyvanse
  • Or, you could: Step away from the cake. Stop eating your emotions.
  • Poster child: Oprah
  • Code Brown says: NOT a disease

“NON-24”

  • Full name: Circadian Rhythm Disorder
  • Treatment: Hetlioz
  • Or, you could: Yeah, this is real.
  • Poster child: The person in that commercial who says, “I. am. completely blind.”
  • Code Brown says: Only Donald Trump would try to make a joke here.

“NWA”

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  • Full name: We’re not allowed to say it.
  • Treatment: Medical grade marijuana, AKA “The Chronic”
  • Or, you could: Go see Straight Outta Compton. Or The Barbershop Trilogy.
  • Poster child: Dre, Ice Cube, Eazy-E
  • Code Brown says: Will defer to the judgement of our esteemed colleague, Dr. Dre.

“OIC”

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  • Full name: Opioid Induced Constipation
  • Treatment: Movantik, Relistor
  • Or, you could: Stop taking narcotics for your back pain and go do some yoga
  • Poster child: Rush Limbaugh
  • Code Brown says: This is a drug side effect, NOT a disease

“IBS-D”

xifaxan

  • Full name: Diarrhea Predominant Irritable Bowel Syndrome
  • Treatment: Xifaxan
  • Or, you could: See a psychiatrist and get a grip. Your labs and endoscopy are normal. You’re not dying of cancer because you have diarrhea every time you eat at Chipotle.
  • Mascot: That creepy intestinal puppet that gave you nightmares after the Super Bowl
  • Code Brown says: REAL disease (What? i’m a gastroenterologist. This is 90% of my practice. I’ve got med school loans to pay!)

Fox News to Hire Bobby Jindal as Chief Medical Correspondent

Fox News hires Bobby Jindal as its Chief Medical Correspondent

 

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New York, NY – While it may not come as a surprise that the Fox News Channel has hired Louisiana Governor Piyush “Bobby” Jindal (R) as its newest talking head, many pundits are scratching their heads when it was announced Jindal has been named Fox News “Medical A Team” Chief Medical Correspondent.

Fox News Chairman Roger Ailes explains “If you watch the Fox News “Medical A Team”, you may or may not notice that there is not a single brown correspondent. While that may be fine for the rest of our channel, even we know that you can’t have a credible medical team without a single brown person. When was the last time you went to a hospital or clinic and didn’t see a bunch of Indian people? It’s utterly unbelievable. We say a lot of crazy, irresponsible stuff on our channel, but you can only suspend disbelief so long.”

Ailes continued, “CNN has Sanjay Gupta, Obama has Vivek Murthy, weird people at Barnes and Nobles have Deepak Chopra, so we knew we had to get someone prominent. Unfortunately, every time we reached out to an Indian doctor and they heard it was Fox News calling, they would either hang up or laugh in our face. Finally after his 50th appearance this month on our channel, one of our producers had the idea to hire Jindal for the medical team.” When asked why they didn’t try to get Dr. Mehmet Oz, Ailes replied “His name sounds too Arab-y”.

Jindal has no real medical experience to speak of other than an episode in college where he performed an exorcism on a classmate. He does however carry bona fides as a healthcare policy wonk. Mental health facilities have been slashed to near non existent levels under his administration, and Louisiana leads the country in Syphilis deaths, an accomplishment which required superhuman levels of negligence. Jindal touts his refusal of Medicaid expansion to one of the poorest states in the country as “the single best thing to happen to promote the health of poor folks in our state. They literally must stay healthy because without any reasonable access to healthcare, the only other option is a slow, painful, unnecessary death.” Despite this stellar track record, Jindal will be asked to revert to his given first name of Piyush so that he can sound more Indian, and hence have more medical credibility.

Although eyebrows are being raised in the media world, Jindal’s parents could not be more elated. “For years, we were so embarrassed by Piyush…errr…. Bobby…umm…can we call him Piyush again now? We wanted him to grow up to be a doctor like every other Indian child we knew. You would think we would be proud that he is the first Governor of Indian descent in the United States, but have you looked at his record? He took a billion dollar budget surplus and turned it into an even bigger deficit and he’s running on that record for president of the United States as a fiscal conservative! We couldn’t brag about or son like every other Indian parent does, much less show our face in the Indian community. At least now he’s almost like a doctor.”

Now that Jindal’s presidential campaign has come to its inevitable conclusion, he will begin work on various medical segments for the Fox News “Medical A Team” including:

Tanned, rested, and ready” – A segment where he will teach meditation and deep breathing exercises from a spray tanning booth.
“Women’s health” – A monthly crossover segment with Fox Anchor Megyn Kelly where they can discuss whatever about her wherever.
“Guns!” – A psychiatry focused segment where mentally ill patients will be brought in off the street and taught how to use their guns safely and responsibly.

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“Pray the Gay Away after your Prison Stay – with Dr. Ben Carson” – Jindal and Carson will discuss and compare the most effective cures for homosexuality.
“Biblical healing” – Jindal will scour the Bible for medical treatments for common afflictions like Syphilis. Biblical healing is something that’s good for me!
“Defund Planned Parenthood” – Noted abstinence expert Bristol Palin will be invited to discuss why “abstinence only” is superior to healthcare options provided by Planned Parenthood, as well as give Jindal tips on getting onto Dancing with the Stars.
“Bobby@HobbyLobby” – Jindal will investigate how amazing things are when people’s healthcare is dictated by their employer’s religious views

Jindal also plans to employ the groundbreaking camera angles that were pioneered by his campaign team.

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Pilot episodes featuring Jindal as Chief Medical Correspondent have thus far been met with overwhelming nausea and disgust, but there are plans to bring on the boys from Duck Dynasty to see what kind of crazy shenanigans they get into together. Viewers will also be able to tweet their medical questions to #Bobbyjindalissowhite.